On My Father and On Happiness

Another small hint fiction and a slightly larger story for you. I feel bad for not posting another story yesterday, so I’ll catch up today.

On My Father

He loves peanut butter,
He loves chocolate,
But he hates Reese’s.

On Happiness

When you ache
From all the times you thought you’d fail
And you were sure it was over;
When you thought you were stuck,
And that someone pulls you up.

Car Crash

Sorry for the short break. I’m not done yet. I still have another poem for you guys. I hope your weekend was as good as mine was. I spent it upstate with my family and girlfriend, and it couldn’t have gone any better. I’ve never been happier.

Lately, I’ve been trying to write more politically with my poetry, but decided to take a step back from it. The other students in my poetry workshop are so incredibly talented that I really felt like I needed to try and write something better and more focused. After watching a horrifying video online after a shooting in Afghanistan. There was footage of a woman seeing either her child or loved one being carried out dead. She let out the worst scream I’ve ever heard, shaking on the ground, her body unable to even process what exactly happened. I hope I never see/hear something like that again.

Car Crash

The pain of not
Being there to help,
Of not being there to find
The right words,
Will forever hurt
More than the pain
I felt in my heart
When she walked out.

Like lighting a fire with
Wet kindling,
Like holding back
From a kiss when you
Feel you have heartburn,
And you know
They need to feel your lips,
The one thing that
You can provide is
Love, but you
ruined your chance.

As the birds chirp
Deep into the night
To no one in particular,
While the street lights shine
Their yellow light
On those just passing by,
A young father,
A former father—
Still a father?
He remembers the scream;
It pierced his ears
As they pulled her out:
Her mother’s scream,
And her body rocking
Back and forth
In the ditch, near the trees.

The crumpled car,
And the blood from her ears,
down her neck,
On the seat,
On her shirt,
On my hands, on my hands.

He walks away.
He can’t look back.
Mosquitos in the middle
Of summer, attack
His arms and legs,
The price—he feels
He has to pay.

He could have stopped her,
Said not to go, that he was
Sorry, he didn’t know.
It was just a joke,
He shouldn’t have said
That he didn’t care,
That she can’t love him back,
The love of her young life,
That he needed to go.

One Moment

A little girly, but I’ve been coming up with a lot of nice lines to work with lately. My original intent was to somehow put them into a story, but I think they fit better like this. You be the judge. Enjoy.

One Moment

One moment, a smile, is all I need
to run away with you for a lifetime.
As the sun hangs on by a thread in the sky
hitting the snow covered evergreens,
as the setting sun reflects on the pond,
as deer poke their heads through the tall, dead grasses,
and coyotes and owls howl in the distance;
as the purple, industrial night sky sits
on top of the orange street lights,
a commercialized sunset,
a lonely star emerges next to the moon.
As I look out my window, and look back at you,
and the different shades of blue in the ocean,
seals playing in the freezing water, seagulls
scavenging the shores and piers for food,
I float through the thoughts in my mind:
your hand in mine, and a smile
that every girl hopes to smile, laughing
a laugh that can only come from the one she loves.

Free

I wrote this while listening to Free (extended version) by Zac Brown Band. I don’t apologize for stealing the title. I have to write a ten page story, and another monologue based off a stranger’s characteristics for class so as soon as I get that done, I’ll post those here. The monologue is due sooner, so expect that first.

In case you’re wondering, everything is going well. I finally got my first iPhone for my birthday! I don’t want to sound dramatic, but I can’t believe I’ve been missing out on this for so long. School is going well. My contemporary lit class is really interesting, even though the theory side of it is incredibly tough and makes me question everything I know as a reader. We just read Jonathan Franzen’s newest book Purity. If you’ve read Franzen before (I hadn’t) it reads just like anything else he’s written (according to my professor, who has read his early works). We found Purity to be incredibly sexist and in a way childish. There’s a moment where the narrator talks about how all the literary greats are named Jonathan. Who does that?

Anyways, enjoy the poem! It’s easy to get caught up on how bad Franzen is as a writer and human being.

Free

Free from the thoughts that plague my mind
I wish to be a kinder person,
free to float through the suburban sky and unwind.
I imagine you next to me on the beach
watching the sunset, the ocean offering to teach
us to appreciate the time we have together,
how good things come and go,
uncontrollable like the weather,
dynamic as the small sandbar we’re sitting on,
gone in a second, when everything seemed
to move so slow.
I see us in the fall, listening to the leaves
break underneath our feet, holding each other close,
my flannel’s sleeves peaking through your coat.
On the way home, we drive down the street
paved with gold from the sun,
and white-washed skies turn to sunset.
Our story longs to be told,
of how the ocean breeze, the violent seas,
couldn’t break us apart like the old oak trees.

One Is All It Takes

I’m just free writing here. It started out as a poem, but I couldn’t stick with the form. Maybe that’s a metaphor for something. Maybe I’m just playing around with the title. Either way, I’ve had so much on my mind, and I’ve wanted nothing more than to be able to free myself from it all. I’m starting to believe that that’s impossible, so I’m going to do the only thing I can do which is to accept the fact that I made mistakes and I’ll continue to make them, but I won’t let them define who I am as a person. I know I can be better, and I want to be better. With that mentality, I’ll only end up better…I hope.

One Is All It Takes

One look is all it takes to take my breath away.
One too many mistakes to make me wish you’d stay.
One too many memories, good and bad, to fill me with regret.
One awkward smile is enough to never forget that
One of anything is all it takes to lose what I’ve always longed for.
One apology too many is all it takes to never be forgiven.
One day, I hope, is all it takes to find the one–
and I hope the one is you.

For Whom the Bell Tolls

I don’t have a story today, but I do have a quote. I just finished reading For Whom the Bell Tolls and loved it. I started it on Sunday and finished today, about four days–the same amount of time that passed in the book. It was like I became one with the book. Naturally, it broke me at the end, but there were some extremely beautiful moments that I don’t want to ever forget. This quote stood out to me the most. It’s like I have no choice but to share it.

“And another thing. Don’t ever kid yourself about loving some one. It is just that most people are not lucky enough ever to have it. You never had it before and now you have it. What you have with Maria, whether it lasts just through today and a part of tomorrow, or whether it lasts for a long life is the most important thing that can happen to a human being. There will always be people who say it does not exist because they cannot have it. But I tell you it is true and that you have it and that you are lucky even if you die tomorrow.”

It just puts everything into perspective. Lately, things haven’t worked out for me, but the feelings I had for certain people were real. I believed them at the time, and hated myself for it. Now, I see that I was truly lucky to even feel that way to begin with. Having feelings for anyone is a beautiful thing, even how much it hurts afterward. The hurt is just a reminder that those feelings were true, and truth is always what I strive for.

I’m Ready, Are You?

I don’t know what to call this. Some sort of combination between free writing and free verse. Poetic free writing? Does that make sense? Either way, it’s a mess, like myself right now. So much is going on and I’m in zero control. All I can do is buckle up. The journey hasn’t been easy and it will only get harder. For the most part, things haven’t been good lately. I’ve had some nice moments, but the don’t seem to last as long as I’d like them to. I don’t know why they don’t. But I’ll continue to hope they do. What else can I do?

I’m Ready, Are You?

I’m tired of talking to those
who want me to feel better
about why I don’t, and what I can do
to be the person of my dreams.
Instead, I want to simply be happy,
happy with myself, with what I do,
happy with you.
I want to stay true to who I am.
I don’t just want these things;
I need them.
I need to sit on the beach
and collect my thoughts.
I want you to be there with me,
in my arms,
your head on my chest,
heart pounding,
nothing to say, nothing to be said.
I want to share a moment with you
but the moment never ends.
Instead, I think about myself,
what’s going wrong: everything.
I struggle every day to believe
I’m not worthless,
that I deserve to be happy.
I live for others, for you.
Without you, I don’t know what to do,
And the problem is
I don’t know who you are yet.
Every time I think I know,
I realize how little I’ve experienced,
and there’s no way for me to know
what the future has in stock.
Who is ready to step up and join me?
Is it selfish of me to believe that I can be happy?
I can’t be the only one hoping for honesty.
But hope is always in the background,
the family friend you forgot,
but knows you better than you do
even after all these years.
I can’t shake hope.
I hope that one day,
my hopes become reality.
My hope is you become my reality.
I hope to live for you,
die for you,
and you will do the same for me.
I hope you show up sooner
rather than later.
I’m tired of the anxiety attacks,
I’m tired of feeling depressed.
I’m ready to move forward,
with you.